by Ven. Thubten Chodron  Read in Vietnamese

On the topic of coping with criticism, Ven. Thubten Chodron notes, "When someone criticizes us, our instant reaction is generally anger. What prompts this response? Our conception of the situation."  In the following teaching she suggests one way we can revise our view and relieve our anger.

Consider a situation in which we make a mistake and someone notices it. If that person were to come along and tell us we have a nose on our face, would we be angry? No. Why not? Because our nose is obvious. It’s there for the world to see. Someone merely saw and commented upon it. Our faults and mistakes are similar. They’re obvious, and people see them. A person noticing them is merely commenting on what is evident to everyone. Why should we get angry? If we aren’t upset when someone says we have a nose, why should we be when he tells us we have faults?

We would be more relaxed if we acknowledged, “Yes, you’re right. I made a mistake,” or, “Yes, I have a bad habit.” Instead of putting on a show of, “I’m perfect, so how dare you say that!” we could just admit our error and apologize. Having faults means we’re normal, not hopeless. Frequently, acknowledging our errors and apologizing diffuses the situation.

It’s hard for us to say, “I’m sorry,” isn’t it? Our pride often prevents us from admitting our mistakes, even though both we and the other person know we made them. We feel we’ll lose face by apologizing or we’ll become less important or worthwhile. We fear the other person will have power over us if we admit our mistake. In order to defend ourselves, we then attack back, diverting the attention from ourselves to the other. This strategy—which does not resolve the conflict—is commonly practiced on kindergarten playgrounds, as well as in national and international politics.

Contrary to our fearful misconceptions, apologizing indicates inner strength, not weakness. We have enough honesty and self-confidence that we don’t pretend to be faultless. We can admit our mistakes. So many tense situations can be diffused by the simple words, “I’m sorry.” Often all the other person wants is for us to acknowledge his or her pain and our role in it.